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My Broken-Open Heart

by shannvanderleek on January 11, 2017

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Enjoy My Broken-Open Heart from my courageous friend and warrior goddess, Lisa C. Adams.

My heart was broken recently. Though painful, it’s also been a miraculous alchemical process of healing, insights, and blessings.

Several months ago, “D” asked me to leave my wonderful life to make a new one with him. I joyously picked up and moved to another state, leaving my business and personal life behind. We were excited to be creating a life together, and I was re-building, re-branding myself and my business to reflect a new direction. Everything was building beautifully and quickly. I was all-in.

Our relationship seemed solid – we were having a great time and amazing sex. We’d been living together, just bought a house, and were making plans for our future. We even merged our finances; he offered to support me while I got my business on its feet in a new community.

Then he broke up with me.

The breakup came very suddenly, and out of the blue. He said he’d made a huge mistake, and that we were on different paths.

Wait a minute – WHAT?!?

I was floored. I never saw it coming. I was upset and confused. We’d been having such a great time, and everything seemed to be going well. I wondered if we’d been living in the same dimension, or if it had all been a lie. But, I’m highly intuitive (and still didn’t see it coming!). I felt sweet moments of magic, love, and connection. And I know he felt them too.

So, I just couldn’t make any sense of this sudden turn of events.

I thought we had found love, that there would be no more heartbreak. No more do-overs. At 47, I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to start over. Again.

There are those of us who have endured some tough times in life from a young age, perfecting the art of survival. I am one of those people. Through tears and hard, deep sobbing, I knew what I had to do.

Survival Mode engaged…

He broke up with me on a Wednesday, and by Sunday I was moved back to my sweet little community and the life I had before moving in with him.

Only, it wasn’t the same.

I wasn’t the same person I’d been just 6 months before. My dreams for my life were altered. I’d been changed and affected by my new surroundings and experiences. Although I was back home, everything felt wrong.

I never understood why he decided to let me go, and his reasons made no sense. Given my intuitive nature, I’ve felt into the reasons and fabricated my ideas about why. But the truth is, I may never know.

Sometimes we just don’t know the reason for things, and we have to be ok with that. I felt lost and wasn’t sure how to pick up and move forward. Hell, I’m still figuring a lot of that out. But what I did know was that I needed to start deep-diving into the pain.

I’ve learned that pain is a teacher.

I felt so tender – almost frail, hollow. Everything felt empty and terribly sad. Grocery shopping made me cry. My stomach felt like it had been punched – I couldn’t eat for a while. There was no sleep to be had. I was simply running on adrenaline and auto-pilot. Buying things for my beautiful new apartment held no joy or consolation. I told my story over and over to all the people who said they were sorry, but that they were glad I was back. I cried. And I didn’t hide it.

Crying makes people uncomfortable, but there’s no shame in tears. Tears are cleansing. And authentic.

Amidst the sobbing, there came a point when a deep knowing surfaced – I realized the pain and extreme sadness I was experiencing felt familiar; it went far deeper, and was much more ancient than my recent breakup.

The breakup triggered an emotional release of old, pent up pain – feelings from when I was very young; it was the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted by my family. Pain I never felt or expressed when I was kicked out at the early age of 16. At that time, I just went numb but was full of questions – I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I so “bad”?  Why didn’t my family love or want me?

I’m grateful for the emotional release – it was a gift. Emotional release brings about clarity.

In the past, after a breakup, I was left wondering what was wrong with me, just as I had done when I was 16. Not anymore. Although the pain was similar, the difference this time around, was that I didn’t wonder what was wrong with me – I knew there was nothing wrong or bad about me. I wondered what was wrong with him!

I began noticing that the pain I felt was being mirrored by so many other people. All around me, people were dealing with some seriously heavy, difficult things in their lives just as I was in the midst of my own. My heart–open, raw, unguarded–went out to them. It ached for their troubles. My empathic nature heightened and my compassion magnified.

As I felt the pain of others as my own, I realized we are all doing the Work of releasing old wounds and pain that we’d been carrying. It was the pain of lifetimes surfacing to be shed once and for all. We are in the process of releasing the pain of The Collective.

The pain was, and is, Sacred.

And, bearing witness to the pain and truth of others is a sacred act.As my heart opened and I invited emotional pain to move through me, I received tremendous gifts, and miracles occurred.

I would cry tears of deep grief and gratitude simultaneously. In the mornings as I woke, I challenged the universe to keep showing me the way and bringing me miracles. And, it has. It’s my way of knowing I’m on the right path.

I am still in process, but see the gift of heartbreak and growth. A broken heart is wide open and raw, uncensored, authentic, compassionate. The emotional clearing has given me a great deal of clarity, and I pray to continue clearing, cleansing, purging. For now, I plan to meditate in my plush feminine cave and create more expansive dreams.

Even if I don’t know the next step, I trust it will be shown to me.

 

Lisa C. Adams

Lisa is a Spiritual Badass, Goddess-preneur, High Priestess of all things Holistic and Mystical, Yogini, Renegade Mystic, Astrologer, Warrior, and Luminary. She is a Catalyst of profound awakenings and setting souls on fire. Lisa’s dedication to self-growth fuels her passion to help others do the same. She guides others, especially women, along their healing journeys to create healthier, more fulfilled lives using her many skills and talents. Lisa believes that women are a force of healing transformation for their families and communities.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Mihaela Lica Butler January 11, 2017 at 9:53 am

This story resonates with me too… I had a similar experience with my first husband. I left my country, family, and friends, and I woke up alone in a place unknown, forced to learn a language I didn’t like. But the pain made me stronger, independent, and who I am today.

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 11:42 am

Wow! I can’t imagine how scary that must have been! I agree about being stronger. I have had so many – too many – opportunities in life to become stronger. Sometimes I think strength is overrated. I’d like more ease. 🙂

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Margaret January 11, 2017 at 11:14 am

Sorry to be nosey, but. . .I noticed in your writings, you say, he broke up w/ you shortly AFTER you two combined money / funds. Well, did he take your money too? or were you able to separate your funds? & your retain what was yours?

Just saying – years ago, I had a joint credit card w/ hubby #1, & yep! I got stuck w/ paying it off. It was not until I’d been married to hubby #2, for near twenty! years, that I agreed to a joint credit card, & even then, card is in ~his~ name & acct. Not mine!

I caution ALL young (er) folks in Love to N E V E R !!! obtain join bank acct, credit crds, etc. . . until years later. – Signed live & learn. Thxs for reading.

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 12:04 pm

I left a reply but I think I did it as a comment. Please see below. 🙂

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 11:48 am

Thank you for the question. To clarify – we merged most of our finances shortly after I moved in. He put me on his accounts so I could manage the household and pay bills. I took it as a big gesture towards his commitment to our future. I had little to no money to speak of, so during the breakup we disentangled everything. He gave me a little cash to move with. I think he felt bad and guilty somehow. I still don’t understand. It was apparent that he felt bad about everything. He literally dropped me and my things off at the new place and took off. He also completely shut down on an emotional level and wouldn’t/won’t communicate.

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 12:03 pm

I also want to say that despite my love for this man, with all that has transpired since, there’s no way I would give consideration to a reconciliation, if he asked. He did me a favor.

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monica del pozzo January 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm

I hope he realizes the mistake and why he made it. Yes, he did you a favor. It is such a shame that people take the physical relationship as to be the whole relationship. The person must be your best friend that you can trust with your soul. With that it takes much time to develop. They say you only given what you can handle. True. sometimes you have to yell to the heavens and say timeout. You will rise to the next stage of your souls development. My husband has been gone for almost three years, I still think or talk each day. Sometimes yelling or crying. Will this anguish leave. Probably not. He was my best friend and that is what I miss the most. Not having anyone to hear me. some though in life never find that. I wish you will in time.

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 2:14 pm

Oh, thank you! I believe I will have that in time. I have a wonderful life to live and enjoy, regardless. This journey isn’t always easy, but it is well worth it, and I know I’m tremendously blessed.

The pain of not having your most loved with you in the physical plane must be unbearable at times. My belief is that they stay with us once they’ve passed on. <3

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Barb Parcells January 11, 2017 at 1:08 pm

Experience can be a hard teacher sometimes, but the day will come when you look back on these experiences and the lesson learned was greater than the pain of the lesson.

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Lisa January 11, 2017 at 2:16 pm

Barb – you are so right!
I’m not very far out from this and already I am grateful. A broken-open heart is very fertile ground.

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Kym January 11, 2017 at 2:36 pm

HI Lisa, I don’t usually read posts or blogs, but something made me click on and read this. I am so sorry for your pain and unfortunately I understand from experience what you are going through. Everything is always working out for your highest good. If after a time you cannot see the lesson or the growth in your soul in regards to this situation, there are also many other possibilities like that it was some sort of karma from a past life that you needed to clear before you meet the guy you should be with forever. Can you see into your past lives or ask your guides what it is all about? Sometimes you may not be able to get an answer right off because you need to work through the pain, grief, etc. to clear out other things, but you will get an answer eventually (just not from the guy, cause that never happens).

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Lisa January 12, 2017 at 8:34 am

Hi Kym! 🙂
Yes, I have delved into the karma here and see that part of the Soul Contract was for him to breakup with me in order that my old wounding could surface, be felt, and released. I have some insight into the past life connection there, but am not dwelling too much on it as now is the time to move onward and upward!

Thanks for reading. <3

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Debra Oakland January 11, 2017 at 2:53 pm

I will call you courageous Lisa! We live out many soul contracts that are not always pleasant experiences. What is most excellent – you picked yourself up by the bootstraps and quit asking what was wrong with you. No wrong or right. Contrast is powerful, showing us what we want and do not want in life. Contrast encourages us to make conscious choices that support our life and strengthens us for the road ahead, preparing us for wondrous silver linings. You don’t want to be with the wrong one, when the right one comes along. Bravo Lisa!!

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Lisa January 12, 2017 at 8:39 am

Hello Debra!
Thank you. I don’t think I’m more courageous than anyone else, just crazy enough to be open about my “shit”. Whether that’s wise or foolish, who knows? What gets me through is my faith and knowing that no matter what happens, the Divine always has my back. Plus, experience has taught me that when things fall apart is a time for huge growth spurts, and course corrections to be put on the path towards the greater good! But, the experience must be felt to get to the other side.
Thank you for reading and commenting. <3

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Jill Celeste January 11, 2017 at 4:34 pm

Lisa, you are so right about broken hearts being so raw. When I was reading your article, I thought back to a time when my heart was broken by a boyfriend. All of your words reminded me of how I felt. 20 years later, my heart has healed but the lessons remained.

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Lisa January 12, 2017 at 8:41 am

Hello Jill!

Yes! Broken, open, raw hearts – we’ve all been there at different times. What I know is that those kind of hearts are fertile ground for growth, compassion, and healing.

<3

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Peggy January 12, 2017 at 7:55 am

Ah yes. The breakup lesson. It’s so big. And devastating. Yet it calls us to step out of the fantasy we create in our own mind. After my 19 year marriage ended I was called to come out of the shadows. To stop living my life in the shadows. To stand on my own two feet and be the am that I am. Rise strong, Lisa. Rise strong 🙂

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Lisa January 12, 2017 at 8:45 am

Hi Peggy! 🙂

Indeed, so much wisdom in being broken open. I’ve been through so much heartbreak and have never ceased to come out stronger, wiser, more understanding, and more empathetic. As I begin my ascent, I do see the Phoenix that is the symbol for my next steps. In fact, I’ll be getting a Phoenix tattoo soon to mark the lessons this time around.

Thank you for the love and support.
<3

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Michael M January 13, 2017 at 9:18 am

How wonderful of you to share your experience so that others may also use your sense of hope in their own life application and know that all has a purpose. Being empathic does often eem to mean feeling the highest of highs and the most painful of sorrows, yet we prevail. 🙂

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Lisa January 14, 2017 at 6:00 pm

Thank you.
I hope to help others. We’ve all been there at some point in our lives.

Feeling everything is part of how we know we’re alive.
<3

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Begüm January 13, 2017 at 11:35 pm

Thank you for sharing such intense experiences.

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Lisa January 14, 2017 at 6:01 pm

Thank you for reading my story and bearing witness.

<3

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Sherry January 14, 2017 at 11:52 pm

Thanks for sharing, Lisa! As you know I often find echoes of my life in your stories. You are an inspiration. I hope this was the final healing of an old wound for you. Fly strong and free, beautiful one!

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Lisa January 15, 2017 at 7:12 pm

Hi Sherry!
Thanks for taking time out to read this.

We certainly hold up a mirror to one another, huh?
I also pray for healing, and deeper healing along the way. I pray you do as well.

<3

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