Enjoy My Broken-Open Heart from my courageous friend and warrior goddess, Lisa C. Adams.
My heart was broken recently. Though painful, it’s also been a miraculous alchemical process of healing, insights, and blessings.
Several months ago, “D” asked me to leave my wonderful life to make a new one with him. I joyously picked up and moved to another state, leaving my business and personal life behind. We were excited to be creating a life together, and I was re-building, re-branding myself and my business to reflect a new direction. Everything was building beautifully and quickly. I was all-in.
Our relationship seemed solid – we were having a great time and amazing sex. We’d been living together, just bought a house, and were making plans for our future. We even merged our finances; he offered to support me while I got my business on its feet in a new community.
Then he broke up with me.
The breakup came very suddenly, and out of the blue. He said he’d made a huge mistake, and that we were on different paths.
Wait a minute – WHAT?!?
I was floored. I never saw it coming. I was upset and confused. We’d been having such a great time, and everything seemed to be going well. I wondered if we’d been living in the same dimension, or if it had all been a lie. But, I’m highly intuitive (and still didn’t see it coming!). I felt sweet moments of magic, love, and connection. And I know he felt them too.
So, I just couldn’t make any sense of this sudden turn of events.
I thought we had found love, that there would be no more heartbreak. No more do-overs. At 47, I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to start over. Again.
There are those of us who have endured some tough times in life from a young age, perfecting the art of survival. I am one of those people. Through tears and hard, deep sobbing, I knew what I had to do.
Survival Mode engaged…
He broke up with me on a Wednesday, and by Sunday I was moved back to my sweet little community and the life I had before moving in with him.
Only, it wasn’t the same.
I wasn’t the same person I’d been just 6 months before. My dreams for my life were altered. I’d been changed and affected by my new surroundings and experiences. Although I was back home, everything felt wrong.
I never understood why he decided to let me go, and his reasons made no sense. Given my intuitive nature, I’ve felt into the reasons and fabricated my ideas about why. But the truth is, I may never know.
Sometimes we just don’t know the reason for things, and we have to be ok with that. I felt lost and wasn’t sure how to pick up and move forward. Hell, I’m still figuring a lot of that out. But what I did know was that I needed to start deep-diving into the pain.
I’ve learned that pain is a teacher.
I felt so tender – almost frail, hollow. Everything felt empty and terribly sad. Grocery shopping made me cry. My stomach felt like it had been punched – I couldn’t eat for a while. There was no sleep to be had. I was simply running on adrenaline and auto-pilot. Buying things for my beautiful new apartment held no joy or consolation. I told my story over and over to all the people who said they were sorry, but that they were glad I was back. I cried. And I didn’t hide it.
Crying makes people uncomfortable, but there’s no shame in tears. Tears are cleansing. And authentic.
Amidst the sobbing, there came a point when a deep knowing surfaced – I realized the pain and extreme sadness I was experiencing felt familiar; it went far deeper, and was much more ancient than my recent breakup.
The breakup triggered an emotional release of old, pent up pain – feelings from when I was very young; it was the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted by my family. Pain I never felt or expressed when I was kicked out at the early age of 16. At that time, I just went numb but was full of questions – I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I so “bad”? Why didn’t my family love or want me?
I’m grateful for the emotional release – it was a gift. Emotional release brings about clarity.
In the past, after a breakup, I was left wondering what was wrong with me, just as I had done when I was 16. Not anymore. Although the pain was similar, the difference this time around, was that I didn’t wonder what was wrong with me – I knew there was nothing wrong or bad about me. I wondered what was wrong with him!
I began noticing that the pain I felt was being mirrored by so many other people. All around me, people were dealing with some seriously heavy, difficult things in their lives just as I was in the midst of my own. My heart–open, raw, unguarded–went out to them. It ached for their troubles. My empathic nature heightened and my compassion magnified.
As I felt the pain of others as my own, I realized we are all doing the Work of releasing old wounds and pain that we’d been carrying. It was the pain of lifetimes surfacing to be shed once and for all. We are in the process of releasing the pain of The Collective.
The pain was, and is, Sacred.
And, bearing witness to the pain and truth of others is a sacred act.As my heart opened and I invited emotional pain to move through me, I received tremendous gifts, and miracles occurred.
I would cry tears of deep grief and gratitude simultaneously. In the mornings as I woke, I challenged the universe to keep showing me the way and bringing me miracles. And, it has. It’s my way of knowing I’m on the right path.
I am still in process, but see the gift of heartbreak and growth. A broken heart is wide open and raw, uncensored, authentic, compassionate. The emotional clearing has given me a great deal of clarity, and I pray to continue clearing, cleansing, purging. For now, I plan to meditate in my plush feminine cave and create more expansive dreams.
Even if I don’t know the next step, I trust it will be shown to me.
Lisa C. Adams
Lisa is a Spiritual Badass, Goddess-preneur, High Priestess of all things Holistic and Mystical, Yogini, Renegade Mystic, Astrologer, Warrior, and Luminary. She is a Catalyst of profound awakenings and setting souls on fire. Lisa’s dedication to self-growth fuels her passion to help others do the same. She guides others, especially women, along their healing journeys to create healthier, more fulfilled lives using her many skills and talents. Lisa believes that women are a force of healing transformation for their families and communities.